im going insane, aren’t I?

im going insane, aren’t I?

You think I’m not aware that you scheduled me three more appointments this week? Do you seriously believe I’m that stupid? I’ve seen the signs. I’ve watched how you act around me. Like I’m alienated. Like I’m wrong. Like I said something bad.

It’s not like anything is wrong. I mean- I just came home and saw that my mom had died. But she isn’t dead. She’s looking at me right now. Watching. Waiting. For what? I have no clue. But you assume that I need therapy. That I need people to comfort and coddle me. You don’t even know who I am. You’re just the first person lined up in a line of thousands to foster me.

“I’m just trying to help you.” You say, but you’re lying. You want to adopt your own kid. Have your own family. Without me. The traumatized, self absorbed teen who doesn’t speak a word. Seriously. Stop.  You make me feel like I’m insane. All your obsessions and needs and wants, you are self absorbed. And I call you out for it. But you just ignore me, and keep pushing and pushing until I snap. But I won’t snap.

I’m not insane. I’m not crazy. I refuse to be crazy. You say it isn’t a choice to need help. First of all, I still don’t need help. Second, I make it a choice. I make it a choice to wake up everyday. If I didn’t want to, I wouldn’t. It’s as simple as that. Now back off. You’re really starting to get on my nerves. You won’t like me when I’m angry…but you don’t like me anyway, so what am I waiting for?

I’m waiting for you to pull the trigger. Lock me up. Take away my freedom, my will. Take away everything I know because that’s why you’re here. Oh, right. You’re here to raise me. To care for me. Not waste your money on mani-pedis and spa days for the two of us. I don’t even like that. I hate it. Maybe I’m too emotional, huh?

Maybe I’m insane?

I feel like I’m stuck in a desert, where nothing grows, and nothing remains.

So I’ll give you a warning shot. You’ve driven me to the brink of insanity. In fact, I’ll give you two warning shots. Into your head.



As I stand over your cold body, I can’t help but think

im going insane, aren’t I?